Don't mind the brain-fry

I'm over the crest of finals week already. The results are foggy. That's ok with me. I'm a little annoyed that my luck drew me two finals first thing on Monday, but it's behind me now. Nothing else to do.

The weekend provided a mulling of thoughts while I studied, like I had a a quiet and understanding monkey lingering on my shoulder. I suppose it popped up in conversation late Wednesday night....a discussion over the endless uphill battle some of my peers and I face with the decline of the American Dream. I'm not surprised that my generation has an extended adolescence anymore than I'm not surprised that 40 is the new 30, and so on.... Yet some of us are trying to figure out where we fit the ideal our parents have provided into the reality that is our current state of financial debt and educational short-comings.

At my current age, my mother had given birth to my sister and myself quite a few years ago. My family had a nice house, a stable environment, and my parents had all the planning to assure my sister and I would be raised comfortably. I look at my situation now, and it's not too reassuring.

After wandering the proverbial desert of the early 20s and figuring out what I wanted to *do* with life, I can honestly say I know what I enjoy doing. It was a long and lengthy process of elimination...and perhaps it was staring me in the face for a while, but I can honestly say that I enjoy learning what I do. I enjoy the process, and I like working in a lab. When I first decided on this path, I clearly envisioned moving straight through to grad school. I clearly envisioned going straight through for my PhD.

And yet, I see friends who have married, friends who have bought houses, and one or two who have already had babies. I think about the student loan debt that I have accrued (which thankfully isn't monstrous, but it is getting up there), and the room I rent out and will need to continue renting out because of my financial state. If I continue on the straight path for my PhD, even with stipend, I'm looking at a life of rented rooms and more debt clear until my mid-to-late 30s.

For some that is fine. I can honestly think of some of my friends or family that would be ok with that. But I think about the non-work/non-career side of things that make me happy...the environment, the *quality* of life of the day-to-day, and I can honestly say that my current surroundings are at the polar opposite of what I enjoy. Do I want the distinction of PhD? Yes. Will it grant me a better salary? Maybe. When? Not for a long-ass time... How long can you hold out in this state? Not too sure....but if the past several months were any indication, then perhaps I might think about new jackets....preferrably with long sleeves.

The reality is that what I envision in my naïvety may not translate well in real life. That said, I was also thinking of the luck I'd had falling into the particular lab I work in. What started out with a particular interest in proteins, has now added the bizarro world of microbiology...in particular industrial microbiology, and perhaps, its applications in the environment. I'm not into pathogenic microbiology - I joke that I don't care much for humans, and I certainly wouldn't want to deal with pathogens. Yet there's something about geological microbiology that interests me, especially if one considers the global environmental state. My curiosity leads me to wonder if perhaps the answers to our problems might reside in the very organisms that continue to make life possible to begin with. I'm looking forward to some time off from classes, to maybe read up further on some ideas brewing in my head. It stems from a naïve perspective, as I still have a ton to learn, but it doesn't hurt to have some random ideas.

Oh, yes, that was tangent land, wasn't it?

Well, to round all of that back....if perhaps if I can't make the PhD magically happen without going insane from the lack of a nuturing and satisfying external environment, then there is a chance I can find a company to work for. Maybe said company would even throw down on a Masters degree. I know many people go that route. If the quality of life holds well....if life is worth living and living well, then acquiring a PhD at age 60 may not be so bad.

I realize I want my day-to-day worthwhile...because if I tell myself that I'll just suffer for x amount of years and *then* I'll get to enjoy life....I could find myself regretting a lot.